Here’s a secret.
Most women I meet, whether it be school mums, housewives or professionals, have confessed to me that at some point in their lives they’ve thought about being a ‘lady of the night.’ (By the way, 90 per cent of my jobs were in the day, but I digress..)
But, they say, the thing that puts them off is not the sex for money bit (they’re a bit sick of doing it for free), but the fact you may have to be intimate with ‘fat ugly men.’
“How can you do it?” They ask wrinkling up their noses, but dying to know …
Easily. You know why?
Because in my eyes, and in the eyes of most escorts out there, I don’t see men as ‘fat or ugly’.
Our physical bodies are a mere shell. What I see is the heart and soul that lies beneath. And I can tell you, 10 out of 10 times, those ‘fat ugly men’ have beautiful souls and kind hearts. I find something quite lovely in every man.
It’s not so much what they look like, but what they do for work that determines the experience we will have.
DISCLAIMER: the following is, of course, tongue firmly in cheek.
LAWYERS: When God created psychopaths, he made them lawyers. If you want a debaucherous night of sex, the lawyer is your man. Doesn’t matter if they are commercial, property, divorce or criminal, their penchant for kinky sex never fails to shock. They also tell very entertaining stories and wear good suits.
COPS: I love cops. They’re tough, funny and down to earth. They make their own lunches and are good to their mums. They promise you they will wear their uniform one day, but they never do as they’re too scared of getting caught.
Every time I’ve been in a car with an off duty cop, they drive like maniacs and break every law known to man. The sex is a bit like them: funny, cute and fast. They’re always tired.
ACCOUNTANTS: They are quite aware their jobs are dull, so seeing ‘ladies’ is their excitement in life. Sometimes the more ladies in one appointment, the better.
More humble than lawyers and their suits aren’t as flash. Don’t get them started on tax, they love following up your dates with emails on how to dodge the tax man and the fact you can claim lingerie as a tax write off. They always bring chocolates.
IT WORKERS/ENGINEERS: This lot must get paid a lot, as they’re the most common client. Both are structured in their bedroom skills and good with their hands.
They rarely wear suits and prefer runners and chinos with a polo short. Don’t ask them about their jobs as there is a real risk they might actually tell you.
They love a cuddle, foreplay and smell nice — if they brush their teeth first.
CELEBRITIES: Ugh. The WORST.
“You should be paying me …” is something I’ve heard many times.
Fame is not something to be envied. I’ve never met a bunch of more depressed, egocentric (yet insecure) lot.
One huge Hollywood star heated up his McDonalds burger in the microwave while downing champagne from the bottle. Another famous actor spent hours quoting me lines from his movies and was extremely upset I hadn’t seen them.
They will typically try to negotiate fees despite being paid millions. And it’s true what they say: the sex is never like it is in the movies.
TRADIES: Tradies are all mouth when you walk past them in the street, but pussy cats in the bedroom. They cannot believe you find them sexy in their neons — in fact, if they turn up in their overalls, they apologise profusely for not having time to get changed. They never stay long as they’ve always snuck out of a job. They show you photos of their dogs and are always single as they don’t believe in cheating if they were with someone. They try to do foreplay but are too over excited and in awe they get to see a woman who is actually naked. They tend to like MILFS.
DOCTORS/SURGEONS: A bit like lawyers; great suits, great stories but also guilty of the God complex (understandable, as they do save lives.) Tend to fall in love with you and cannot believe you don’t want to see them outside of ‘this’, despite them having a wife and four young kids. They have great stories, and good at foreplay (which you would hope so, as they know human bodies inside out).
CRIMINALS: The harder the crim, the softer they are. I’ve not met a criminal that wasn’t a true gentlemen behind closed doors. One hardcore bikie cut our appointment short as he ‘had to go Coles to buy his kids’ school lunches’. They never talk to you about their jobs or their scars and they are very shy in the bedroom. The smart ones are sober. Very respectful towards women, and extremely generous. Usually prefer jeans and T-shirts on you. Give me a crim over a celebrity any day of the week.
BANKERS: Same ilk as lawyers except minus the charm and humour. Huge egos despite their bonuses getting smaller. The only big thing about them usually is the debt they’re in. Sex is usually a flop due to too much booze. You should either get them in the morning before their lunches begin. Any time after 2pm — don’t bother.